


raw language

by spectrespecs



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 00:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16439753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectrespecs/pseuds/spectrespecs
Summary: Shiro decides to stay. Keith learns why someone would choose to give up the stars.





	raw language

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to get this out of my system. PLEASE look at the warning and tags. This ain't happy.
> 
> Title from [Raw Language](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCCUPRU59So) by Forest Swords.

When Shiro finds Keith late one evening and asks him if he’s busy, it’s on the tip of Keith’s tongue to say he’s never too busy for Shiro. Instead, he just says _no_ and follows Shiro.

Shiro leads them to the garage and two hoverbikes, not saying anything as he hands Keith a pair of goggles before climbing up onto a bike and waiting for Keith to follow. They tear off into the desert together, into the sunset, and Keith lets out his usual joyous cries at the utter freedom in flying through the open expanse. But Shiro’s laughter that usually rings out with Keith’s is missing.

After some time, they both slow at a ridge and dismount, looking over the purpling sky as more and more stars start littering the view above them.

“I’m not going to Kerberos anymore,” Shiro abruptly says.

And it’s a shock because just days ago Keith confronted Shiro about his illness and was met by Shiro’s determined _I’m going on the mission._ What could have changed?

So that’s what Keith asks, “What changed?”

“I just...I guess I had to reevaluate some things, and I’m staying.”

“What are you going to do?” Keith repeats the question he asked previously when they first talked about Shiro’s dilemma.

“I’m going to keep going on off-planet missions, but ones that are closer and shorter. I’ll shift to focus on teaching and with time stop going off-planet,” but while Shiro shares all this with Keith, his gaze never leaves the sky, eyes reflecting the spilling Milky Way and face illuminated by the moon.

A small part of Keith feels selfishly relieved that his favorite person isn’t going to leave for a year and still be a fixture for his days at the Garrison, but a larger part of him is devastated for his best friend. His life already had a looming date of expiration but to also have his dream taken away? It kills Keith a bit. So, he reaches out and touches Shiro’s arm. The older man was so lost in thought he startles at the hand on him, but then he relaxes and turns to the younger boy with a smile.

“You should be happy,” Keith says quietly.

“I am,” Shiro replies, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes as he pulls Keith into a hug.

A different pilot gets announced for Kerberos, and Keith hears the murmurs in the halls that Sam Holt had to scramble to find anyone closely comparable to Shiro’s skills for the mission. Keith hears that Holt had been so sure that Shiro would go that he didn’t have a second choice picked out and had to redo to the mission plan and strategy in one night to reflect the change he never expected.

Launch day comes and Keith sits next to Shiro and Adam in the Garrison auditorium where a screen projects the crew boarding to leave on the most historical mission for humans. If there’s any longing to go left within Shiro, he hides it behind a smile, and when Adam squeezes Shiro’s hand and the two share a look of adoration, Keith has to look away from them even though he doesn’t know why.

Then things go back to normal before the Kerberos mission was put on Shiro’s plate. He goes on shorter missions less often, which leaves him with more time with Keith, as well. They still go racing and sneak up onto the roof to look at the stars. Shiro sits by Keith in sim practice and guides him through maneuvers for improvement.

One day a month after the launch, Shiro finds Keith in the morning, eyes shining with excitement. He holds up his hand to Keith.

“Adam proposed!” he doesn’t really need to explain because the band across his finger conveyed the information for Keith immediately, but the genuine joy seeping from Shiro’s voice is contagious for Keith. He can’t help but smile and excitedly congratulate his best friend. Keith doesn’t know why a pang of some unknown feeling courses through his body before ultimately settling deep within his gut.

Later that weekend, Shiro and Adam’s friends throw an engagement party that Shiro sneaks Keith into.

It’s when they’re standing off to the side together, heads bent close to talk over party typical noise of loud music and people, that Shiro asks a question that feels like an asteroid crashed into Keith’s stomach, keeping that earlier unknown feeling lodged deep inside.

“So you’ll be my best man, yeah?” Shiro smiles slowly, flushed with alcohol and triple-checking that Keith’s cup is just cranberry juice with no vodka.

“Yeah, of course,” Keith grits out, and he realizes what he’s feeling now. Keith thinks he has a name for it as Shiro smiles and claps a hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Keith,” and his expression is brighter than any star. “You’re an amazing friend. I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”

“You, too, Shiro,” the momentary hollow feeling is replaced with the warmth that Shiro is _thankful_ to have Keith in his life.

But the twisting in his stomach slams back when he watches Shiro return to Adam, and the two pull each other close, a small kiss quickly turning hungry in front of their friends as a result of intoxication and celebration.

Keith puts his cup down and slips out at the sound of wolf whistles, back to his dorm room. He wonders how being caught in Takashi Shirogane’s orbit was both the best and worst thing that could have happened to him.

Shiro and Adam get married a week after Shiro’s last scheduled off-planet mission, and a week before Keith is set to pilot his first mission to the Garrison’s moon base after graduating and becoming a junior officer. The latter date was announced after the couple has set a wedding date in stone, so Keith can’t even be upset that Shiro will be gone on his honeymoon the day of Keith’s first real launch. Shiro promised he would watch the livestream of it that the Garrison shows of all missions, no matter what time it would be or what he’s doing while Shiro and Adam are in Japan.

The ceremony is beautiful with Adam and Shiro wearing matching crisp formal Garrison uniforms. Keith performs his duty as best man by handing Shiro the ring he will place on Adam’s finger. The look of happiness on Shiro’s face as he and Keith make eye contact when Keith puts the ring on Shiro’s palm eats Keith inside just a little bit more.

When a week later Keith pilots through the Earth’s atmosphere and lands the spacecraft on the moon, seeing space for the first time up close, he thinks the sight could rival the beauty of Shiro’s smiles. It’s close, but even in space, he still dreams of Shiro. While looking back down on Earth from the Garrison’s moonbase, Keith accepts the fact that he’s in love with Shiro.

Shiro and Adam return faces bright and in love. The first time Keith goes racing with Shiro again, they catch up on everything. Keith smiles and nods along about what they did in Japan. Even though all Keith got from Shiro was a _good luck_ message on the day of his launch to the moon, Shiro tells Keith he did watch it and was the proudest he’s ever been of Keith. And that--that’s good enough for Keith at this moment. That Shiro is proud and that they still have time to spend together.

“We just need to find you someone to settle down with,” Shiro laughs with a playful nudge of the shoulder. Keith laughs and looks away. How can he say that the only person he thinks he can love like that doesn’t feel the same way?

When the Kerberos Mission gets back safely a year later, it’s now Keith’s name on the list as the best active pilot at the Garrison. He’s chosen to fly the next deep space mission. Shiro hugs him so tight when he gives the older man the news that Keith understands why someone would choose to ground themselves to Earth for love. Keith would stay in those arms forever if he could.

The day of the launch, Keith asks Shiro to see him off at the site, and Shiro doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

“Do you regret it?” Keith asks as they stand in front of the newest and most advanced ship that the Garrison has ever built. The ship that will be in Keith’s hands.

“Sometimes,” Shiro replies, and his voice is wistful. There was no question as to what Keith was asking about, and it seems neither of them is surprised by Shiro’s admission. “But I’m glad I get to see you go up. I’m so proud.”

Shiro’s smile lights up his face and warms all the cold places within Keith. They pull into a hug. Keith might have grown over the years, but Shiro is still taller and broader, so Keith can duck his head into Shiro’s chest.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll be here when you get back.”

A year later when Keith sets back down on Earth, he immediately seeks out Shiro, which doesn’t take long. Shiro is waiting for Keith, and the younger man is so overcome with emotion to see the other that he doesn’t realize that Shiro’s posture isn’t as straight as it used to be and that his right arm moves with stiffness as it wraps around Keith’s back in a hug.

Adam stands to the side, a tight smile across his face as he nods at Keith.

Two years have passed since Keith first learned about Shiro’s condition, and it seems in the year that Keith was gone, Shiro’s started to deteriorate faster and faster.

That night as Shiro tells Keith about his health while they sit on the roof, looking at the stars like old times, Keith breaks. His tears fall freely as Shiro pulls him into his arms, and soon they’re both crying. Keith can’t believe he missed a whole year of Shiro’s life to go be in space, and again, he understands why if you love someone you don’t want to let them go.

But Keith is still the best pilot at the Garrison and they want to assign him to more missions that are further and longer. Keith puts his foot down and refuses to take anything that’s longer than three weeks. The upper brass throws a fit and he threatens to leave if they don’t acquiesce to his demand. They are forced to listen to him or lose their other best pilot.

When Keith tells Shiro about his decision as they’re walking around the grounds of the Garrison, Shiro leaning both on Keith and a cane that he’s still learning to not flush over having to use, he asks Keith why.

“I just wanted to take a break for a bit,” Keith shrugs.

If Shiro can tell that Keith’s lying, if Shiro can tell what the truth is, he doesn’t say; he just nods and looks away. But Keith saw the shine that came over Shiro’s eyes.

Keith returns from a three week trip to Mars. For the first time when he gets back to Earth, he sees Adam waiting for him instead of Shiro and automatically knows something is wrong.

Adam silently leads him to the medical wing of the Garrison.

“It’s been about a week and a half,” Adam says.

“Is he…” Keith trails off.

“We don’t know,” Adam’s eyes gleam with unspoken sadness behind his glasses, and Keith gets it. He hates it. But he gets it.

When he walks into the hospital room, Shiro looks so peaceful. His facial features look a bit hollow and he definitely looks less defined than in all the time Keith as known him, but he looks so peaceful.

Shiro’s eyes flutter open at the sound of the door opening and closing, and a smile spreads across his face as Keith steps closer. He tries to push himself up, but a pained noise cracks through gritted teeth, making Keith run and admonish him for trying to be stupid.

“What can I say,” Shiro laughs as they get him settled properly on the bed, “you always encouraged me to bend rules.”

They sit and talk for an hour, only a brief moment spent on Shiro’s health before Keith switches the conversation to new models of hoverbikes and how much this one cargo pilot keeps driving Keith up the wall with annoyance. Shiro laughs, and it would all feel so normal and usual if they weren’t surrounded by the beeps of medical equipment.

Keith doesn’t know how long it is before Adam and a doctor walk in. He tells Shiro he’ll be back when he can and nods at Adam as he walks out.

Iverson tells Keith later that day that they can’t keep him off long missions anymore. They need him to pilot another year-long mission.

“I’m not going,” Keith shakes his head and storms off. “You can get anyone else. Griffin, Rizavi, anyone else is capable.”

The Garrison officials give the mission to Griffin and tell Keith that if he rejects another mission, he’s not meeting his requirements as a Galaxy Garrison pilot, and they’ll ground him permanently. The idea makes Keith sink but not as much as the sight of Shiro sleeping in a hospital bed, almost looking like he’s already left them all.

Two weeks later a file gets dropped on Keith’s desk for an eight-month mission to Saturn, and Keith furiously shakes his head and throws it back at Iverson.

“No, I can’t,” he breaks and looks at the commander, pleading.

“You have to, son,” Iverson says.

“I can’t,” and Keith can’t hold back as the tears fall. Iverson knows, of course, he knows Shiro is what’s tying Keith down to the Earth.

“There’s nothing I can do,” Iverson admits, voice soft and defeated. “I’m sorry.”

That night Keith sneaks into the medical wing and slips into Shiro’s room. He’s surprised to see Shiro actually sitting up awake, datapad on his lap while weakly scrolling with his left arm.

“Keith,” he looks up in surprise.

“Hey, Shiro,” Keith smiles and pulls a chair up next to Shiro’s bed.

“What’s up?” Shiro asks, setting aside the datapad and looking at Keith.

“I have to go to Saturn,” Keith keeps his eyes on the window instead of on Shiro. He can’t bear to look at the other man.

“Okay,” Shiro responds slowly.

“It’s for eight months,” Keith hangs his head. “I’m afraid to leave you for eight months,” he adds, voice small.

Shiro makes a soft sound and reaches out for Keith, who looks up and takes the offered hand. It feels so fragile in his, and Keith hates it. He hates this whole situation so much.

“Shiro, you were supposed to go to space. You were supposed to go so, so far. We were supposed to fly _together._ This isn’t far,” he sobs. “None of this is fair.”

“Hey, hey, shh,” Shiro soothes, and it’s not supposed to be Shiro consoling Keith but that’s what’s happening. “What’s not fair is that I’m keeping you back. You have to go.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

And then Keith looks Shiro straight into starless night eyes. The room is dark, only illuminated by the glow of the moon outside and the perimeter lights of the Garrison flowing in.

“You have to know, Shiro,” Keith pleads.

“Tell me,” Shiro says it so quietly, barely a sound above a breath.

“I love you,” Keith confesses. “I’m in love with you. I have been for years.”

And then Shiro makes a small, broken sound and closes his eyes, leaning his head back on the propped up pillow of his bed.

“I’m sorry,” Keith says, and he starts to get up, but Shiro still has a hold of his hand. He clutches it even harder, strength surging through his weakening body to keep Keith from moving.

“Stay with me tonight?” Shiro whispers.

Keith nods and climbs into the space next to Shiro on the narrow bed. They situate themselves and then look at each other. They’ve been close before, but this is different.

“I love you, too, but you can’t stay tied down here because of me,” Shiro puts a hand on Keith’s chest, and Keith covers it with his own. “You need to go live.”

And then they move closer, the slightest brush of lips, before moving apart again. Keith feels guilt. He thinks of Adam probably sleeping in the quarters that he and Shiro used to share before this hospital room became Shiro’s. The ring is still on Shiro’s hand, a reminder of the other realities outside of this room.

Keith puts an alarm on his datapad to make sure he leaves early enough to avoid any confrontation, then settles in next to Shiro, letting the breathing of the other guide him to sleep.

When the chiming of the datapad wakes them in the morning, they linger in each other for a moment, foreheads touching with quiet murmurs of _I love you_ before Keith turns and leaves the room.

Keith finds Iverson, and if the commander notices that Keith is wearing the same clothes as the day before and looks like he slept in them, he doesn’t mention it. He nods when Keith says he accepts the mission and will be ready to leave with it on its launch in a week.

Adam comes to Keith’s office as he’s reading through the files for the Saturn mission.

“I’m glad,” he says, leaning in the doorway before walking in.

“What?” Keith replies, looking down at his datapad.

“That you’re getting to spend time with Shiro,” his voice is forlorn as he sits down on a chair across from Keith. “He cares about you a lot.”

“I know,” Keith says quietly, not able to look at Adam, the feeling of Shiro’s lips across his still too fresh, even if it was just one brief moment.

“Sometimes I feel so guilty. Sometimes I feel like I held him back,” Adam says, and the admission makes Keith slowly look up at the other man. “But then I think about how much time I got with him, and...it’s selfish, I guess. But I love him.”

“I know,” Keith says.

They both look at each other for a moment, eyes sad and wet at the corners, before Adam pushes himself up and out of the chair.

“Thank you, Keith,” and Keith doesn’t know if either of them know what Adam is thanking him for but he nods at the other man, throat too tight and open to betrayal. Then Keith is alone and lets a few tears fall.

For a few hours every day that he can spare up until the launch, Keith goes and sits by Shiro. Adam gives them their space, and it makes Keith prickle to think about what Adam knows or assumes. But all Shiro and Keith do is talk. Talk like nothing is different. Like nothing is happening. Not saying anything about the one night that they used to hide their feelings inside. Keith talks about the mission and his crew. Shiro talks about the dismay he has over the state of daytime television. They laugh. They laugh a lot.

The morning of Keith’s launch arrives, and he spends it sitting with Adam and Shiro in Shiro’s room. They talk and laugh together about the things Keith did when he was a cadet that Shiro would defend and get yelled at for. Keith’s thankful that Adam genuinely seems at ease.

When the time comes that Keith needs to leave, he hugs Shiro.

“See you later, old timer,” Keith chuckles warmly, voice threatening to go thick with heartache.

“Yeah, I’ve still got to beat you at a race,” Shiro smirks.

Adam walks Keith out, and then the two men look at each other, out of sight from the window into Shiro’s room.

“Thank you,” Keith says to Adam, and Adam pulls him into a hug. It’s an acknowledgement that they both care and love the man that’s slipping away from both of them. They know how much the other means to him. It’s too much to let there be a wedge of any sort between them.

“Get back safe,” Adam claps Keith on the shoulder as they move apart.

Keith nods and walks away.

It’s a month into the mission when Keith gets a message from Adam that Shiro passed away. Keith throws the datapad across the ship’s galley and screams, falling to the ground. The crew has to drag him back to his quarters and sedate him as the co-pilot takes over.

He spends the next week of the mission in his quarters, hand pressed to the picture that feels like a lifetime ago with Keith in an orange uniform and Shiro in gray.

Keith picks himself up, apologizes to the crew, and goes back to work. Throwing himself into piloting but spending his nights muffling stray sobs into his pillow.

The only thing tying Keith to the Earth has been cut, so when they get back to the Garrison months later, Keith demands Iverson give him the next long-term mission that’s available.

“You can’t turn around long missions that fast, Officer,” Iverson says, but Keith stops him.

“I don’t care, let me fly.”

He gives up his living space in the Garrison and returns to staying at the old shack out in the desert. Anything that keeps him away from the ghosts in the Garrison halls that haunt him.

Someone tells him Adam is looking for him. Someone tells him where Shiro is buried.

Keith doesn’t listen. He goes to the desert and looks out at the night sky, and it’s all he wants. It’s all Shiro wanted.

Keith never lets his feet settle on the ground for long after that and stays with the stars as much as possible.

**Author's Note:**

> just yell @ me [twitter](https://twitter.com/vrepitsana) & [tumblr](http://exitlude.tumblr.com/)


End file.
